考完試后

最近和一個朋友開了一個話題。我說，我不喜歡考完試的感覺。尤其是最後一張試卷，讓我每次都很惆悵。該怎麼說呢，就是比如斷了線的風箏，無去無重。
想想，為了考試，我奮力讀書，然後在考場上揮筆。無論是考得好還是不好，我都享受這個過程。人說台下十年工，台上一分鐘。我也不過是如此，只不過是台下幾天鐘，台上幾小時，呵呵。
我想，我可能是愛上那種會作答的成就感。你辛苦的學習一門學問，然後寫答案時淋漓盡致。那種痛快是我所追求的。要是你要得到肯定，那無非就是你的成績。考得好，成績好，就是你付出的回報。一直以來，我堅信有付出就有回報。有時回報并不是你所期待的，但肯定的，它會以另一種方式來印證你的付出，只是你可能沒有發現而已。
但是這種說法，未必能在愛情印證。愛情本是難以捉摸的遊戲。離題了。
每次考完最後一張試卷時，大夥都會開心歡呼。每次，我的心底會悄悄竊語：開心個屁啊，醬爽咩？無疑，我的心已是迷失了的風箏。

失眠

這是一個失眠的夜晚。夜深4時，拖了我朋友的福，也因為喝了茶，現在，我依然難眠。本來就是一個難闔眼的夜晚。腦袋依然親醒，卻有要服安眠藥的沖動。深知，還要早醒，有早班。眼看睡眠時間還剩三小時，心裡惆悵得很。
夜深，就是讓人消極的時分。當大地沉睡，你的心境特別安靜。要是不閑，很多事情會沖上你的腦袋。一幕幕，多麼深刻。就連一些不想回首的，原以為已經快要忘記了的，又再無情的提起。
好難熬，是煎熬，卻無策，更是無衷。好想好想，給自己揮一棍，讓自己安然入睡。快停止吧。那些痛苦的回憶，就讓他隨風而去，為何還在腦子最深處？在最夜時好好折磨你一番…
我心很累，精神飽滿。在我的淚框要崩潰之前，讓我好好入睡吧。然後起來，又是一個新的生活
Is a new dawn, is a new day, is a new life
我，不喜歡現在這樣子。

再說，是不是要到如此境界才能有好文筆呢？嘆氣，還是嘆氣

貪婪

人本與生俱來就是貪婪的動物。我們為萬物有所求，試圖且付出努力或代價去得到自己想要的東西。過分的要求，我看它為慾望。無法現實的要求，該則麼稱呼？
我視錢財為糞土，且對財務沒有多想，只要能花能活就好。但是，對於感情部分，我始終無法瀟灑自如。我本性就是過於感性，對人對事都有分情。朋友有說，像我這一類的人，往往在感情生活裡容易受傷，而且不輕。也對。我受過傷，品嚐過他的辛酸，聞過他的苦，聽著他的吶喊，心裡掙扎，日子難熬。
我把自己的感情系上枷鎖，卻有人在嘗試把它解開。結局會如何，我無法想像。不能預測，更不能有該要求。我貪婪的一面浮現。我想再感受那份溫熱，但是我怕再次受傷。沒有把握的，就讓他逐漸腐蝕我的心口，我不去阻止。我想，也應該是我害怕失去，即使是那份虛假的假象…

小品：知心在哪

这年头遇到很多朋友，大家都说找不到知心，还是以前的就朋友比较好。有人说，别去羡慕有些人身边有群朋友相伴。肉眼看不到的，可能他们只是酒肉朋友。大人的友谊就是那那么的复杂且脆弱。人大了，凡事还是靠自己好。可能这就是所谓的独立吧，只是起点让人滴汗。共勉之。

梦

劳动节的早上，还真的是发了一个我不喜欢的梦。梦里，是我和他第一次相遇的地方。他没有出现在我的梦境里，不过我当时身在那个充满我和他回忆的地方，让我感到很不舒服。明明只是一个梦境，脑里却清醒的很。知道是一场梦，但是却不能控制脑袋。越是不要去想，他的影子越是出现在我的脑海里。
最后我醒了，心情也变糟了。他留给我的，即使是当时最甜蜜的，也是现在最残忍的。因为他，我会无缘无故浪费了几分钟去回忆他，然后又在脑里去排练一场不可能的相遇，更可笑的是我会幻想这次是轮到我狠狠的，潇洒的摔走他，留下一脸彷徨的她。这是所谓的报复吗？或者是无情的装着不认识他，还是躲在暗角默默流泪悲伤。好戏剧化的故事，也觉得好恶心。最好还是不要再遇到他。我和他缘分已尽，没有理由要去求相见的机会。
就这样，让我慢慢的，淡忘他的一切

My evil moment

First at all, I want to admit that I graduated from a well-known secondary school. I scored good grade in my SPM and STPM. However, due to not to burden my parents in terms of finance, I choose to study in local university. I’m not lucky as other children who enjoy the luxurious treatment in private university, I have my faith. So here am I, Perlis.

At first, I kept myself humble. I shy to tell anyone about my background in new environment. I know I’m the top in this school with outstanding prerequisite. I know too, many old friends, even my relatives, neighbours, teachers especially, felt surprise of my decision. Yes, I accept the offer, to Perlis. I already used to see new fellows’ shocking face when they knew my past. Honestly I don’t like this kind of special treatment.

I kept telling myself, nevermind, I can also shine in such place, even though is not a top or famous university in Malaysia. However, this believe seemed so fragile and I eventually gave up, after mixing with the people here for some time. I’m not being racist, because I see all the races here perform the same thing. They are hard to follow my footstep. I’m a perfectionist. I’m not being uncooperative, but they very often fail to achieve what I aspect from them, and yet I always the leader in a group. Ya, at the beginning period I still patient to guide, to show, to demonstrate the info or instructions, step by step clearly, and even do correction for them. Day after day, I found that I merely lost patient to do so. They are more stupid that I imagine, and stubborn, not following instruction. My lifespan will be greatly reduced if I continue to let their bad deed to ruin my day.

Now? NO. I won’t do this again. As long as their work or output doesn't affect my things in any form, even my group overall performance, I will just let it be. Just go wrong, and you learn from your mistake, although I knew it already before lecturer did. I will never guide you, as I strongly believe that this is only wasting my time, not beneficial for me at all. I’m not a kind man will do such zero return investment. So, what I did recently is, I give you your part should cover, then we negotiate. If you have no idea how to begin or proceed it, just pass back to me because I can do your part with smiling face. I don’t mind I overloaded with the homework, as I believe the return is I can master the particular knowledge comprehensively if I try to cover as much as I can. I dun care you learn nothing from it. Everything has its price. I sacrifice my effort, time and energy to earn the knowledge. How can I disseminate the knowledge for you if you never pay anything? Screw you.

Let think in a positive way. This is a win-win solution, indeed. I gain the knowledge, you are free from the task and capable to do anything you like to do. This is the best mode of teamwork I can do. I choose to have little evil heart rather than they sue me I’m bullying them (the fact is I’m helping them by using my own way). Pretend to be a yes man with high EQ. I may applause for you without hesitation when you are fallen (Yeah, you deserve to get it). Do you agree?

emo言

算算一下，我在这圈子已经8个月了。
从和ex恋爱，然后我一脚踏两船，给了人家假希望，分手受伤，疯狂滥交，拼命找人做爱，再去找到另外一个伴，又再分手。一切在首4个月经历过了。之后的4个月，我默默的承受痛苦。我定下心来。不想要因为缺爱而去爱人。我拒绝很多外来可能的爱，坚信我不值得拥有这些恋爱。如果没有拥有就没有失去。我已经禁不起再多的伤害。
曾经对着圈子充满期待，想要去尝试每件对我而言是新鲜的事。原来，这一切都是付出代价的。我玩不起，因为我太认真了，所以我输了。
我也想谈一个不分手的恋爱，但是我知道这是不可能的事。就算有可能，也绝对不会发生在我身上。我对性交零兴趣，注重的只是感情部分。有人向我狂言性爱是何等让人疯狂的事情。对不起，我还是没有兴趣。